anything under the sun, moon, and stars

A friend just forwarded me a text message starting with these very words. And I have the feeling to disagree with it. Especially now.

Things happen not because you choose them, but because they are bound to happen. The only choice you have is how you react to these things that are currently happening. Somehow, it takes a lot of strength and a lot of faith to hold on especially when things don't go your way.

Right now, gloominess seeps in again (Very familiar with this atmosphere that I can say it doesn't affect me that much now unlike before). This is probably because of a realization I have just found out while talking to my friend. Some things right now are happening not because of my choice but because of people's choices. Gradually, I'm losing all of the people I love--my family, my friends, and someone I deeply hold so dear. I'm not the kind of person who experiences home sickness a lot. In fact, I love change and the new freedom I have as I set foot on this new environment. What made my deepest feelings evoked was the realization that there was a certain pattern on the things that have been going on in my life ever since an incident happened in college. It can even be traced back to some time in college wherein someone unintentionally somehow screwed me up.

The joy of having a new freedom and change has it's own setbacks. I was losing physical contact with my family. I barely communicated with them but it did not really bother me that much for I know that even if they are physically away, they are here within me. Just the same with my friends. It gives me much joy when I contact them through various electronic mediums and when I come home and meet them, it gives me a sense of joy and excitement that I could not have possibly obtain if I were stuck with them always.

But then, it seems like everything is following the same pattern. I lost someone whom I thought was worthy. I lost a friend. And then I lost physical contact with my family and friends. After that, as I was able to warm up to my new working environment, the people whom I have shared bits of my life with are gradually falling away too. At the first parts of my working life, people whom I was starting to know where disappearing and falling away. The group that I have bonded with was slowly disintegrating. And what's more distressing was the fact that the people who are more closer to me in the group were the first ones who left. I had a hint this was coming and I knew that I have no choice to make them stay. It was their choice. Who was I to stop them? I don't want to force people into my life. Much as I don't want people to force themselves to me. I just let things follow their own beat. And most of the time, their beat is different than mine. I knew it was coming and rather than mourning for the fact that they're gone, I prepared myself for the emotional disruptions it would cause me. I tried to picture out myself without them and to look for better ways to compromise with the new situation.

Things rather went out kind of fairly well. But then some things happened recently which made me aware of this pattern. That people I love are gradually falling away from me. And it's rather happening on an abrupt pace. And at some point, history repeating itself. I don't know why this is happening. What purpose it serves me. Is it a fact that somehow my personality or my whole being attracts this kind of phenomenon? Or maybe I'm just too emotional and I feel things rather more deeply than most people I know? Probably (The disadvantage of being too sensitive!>.<) It rather led me to confusion. One time, I theorized that this is probably happening to prepare me for a future where changes will gradually be happening quickly---like probably travelling around the world? Lol. I wish. A close friend I have confided this pattern told me that this was happening so that it will give me more opportunity to meet more people and to not restrain myself to a certain group. Or probably, she said, it would lead me to find that special someone. Lol! I don't know. Why can't I see it that way? All I know is that people I love are fading slowly away (and now faster than I imagined) and this pattern can go on and on if I don't do something about it.

I'm feeling rather sappy today. And it greatly affects my writing. I think this is the only medium I can express my emotions on a deeper ground. And songs too! Usually my sappiness occurs when I listen to songs that remind me of something/someone, when I'm alone and have a lot of time to contemplate, think, reflect, and realize. Especially when things aren't going well in the external environment. I'm texting my friends and family today which really helped a lot in lessening this eecky sappiness and gloomy atmosphere. :)

I feel too much. I think too much. Bummer! It shows. >.<